Friday, February 7, 2014

MASH: Harry Potter-style

Much to my delight, J.K. Rowling and the Harry Potter series are back in the news cycle. In a recent interview, Rowling has admitted that pairing Hermoine and Ron at the end of the series was not the most “credible” choice. Now, I love J.K. Rowling almost as much as I love my own face, but I agree with her assessment and would take it further. The woman knows how to build a magical world from the ground up, but I do not think matchmaking is her literary strong suit.

Here’s where I come in. Like most fans, I have all kinds of opinions about how the heroic trio should’ve been matched up in the end. Am I saying I could’ve done a better job than Rowling? No, that’s heresy. But now that the canon has been set, other options or roads not traveled can be dreamt about.

Sure, Ron could handle all that. Suuuuure.
First up, Hermione. Who could be good enough for the brightest witch of her age? Certainly not a guy whose main accomplishment seems to be having sat in the right compartment on the Hogwarts Express. I know the world has its Ron lovers out there, and yes, he’s proven himself to be a true friend throughout the series. But since when is being a good friend (most of the time) qualified someone for marriage material? (Ask any butt-hurt friend zoned dude. Oh wait, you can’t because they NEVER STOP WHINING). Ron’s a good person, but that doesn’t make him the right match for Hermoine. 

What sorcery is this?
So who is? Neville Freaking Longbottom. That kid has had stones from day one. (Recall the extra points he won for Gryffindor in The Sorcerer’s Stone for trying to stop his friends from being egotistical boneheads). I’m not just saying Neville and Hermione would make a good match because the actor who plays Neville got weirdly hot in the final films. Neville was never the brains of the operation, but who could match Hermione in wit and cleverness? He is, however, a genius at Herbology. Neville is extremely intelligent, in the subject that holds his interest. In addition,  he has, what I and others consider, to be the greatest amount of character in the books. He stands up for what he believes in. He is a pure blood, so life with Voldemort could’ve been quite easy for him. Instead, he shows courage, selflessness, and bravery during the Battle of Hogwarts. Of course other characters have shown bravery, too. But when we compare Neville to Harry, for example, you’ll notice that much of Harry’s achievements are a result of being the “Chosen One.” He fights because he has to. It was written in his stars from infancy. Neville was not chosen, but instead, chose to fight. Now, isn’t that the kind of person Hermione deserves?

Now that's a guy who needs to dip below  his peer group
Next, Ron. Oh Ron, you red-headed mess. Ron would never be happy with Hermione because he’d never surpass her in any way. His greatest fear is being overshadowed by others. What Ron needs is a young witch, never involved in the Battle of Hogwarts, who can look up to him like the folk hero that he is. Anyone who fought alongside Ron against Voldemort wouldn’t revere him for his actions because they, too, fought bravely. Ron has never had anyone look up to him, even Ginny, who was too enamored with the legendary Harry Potter to give much notice to her older brother. A young, starry eyed witch would finally give him someone to take care of and someone to stroke his ego, which is apparently necessary for him to function.

Look at this cute, socially-conscious muggle.
And lastly, Harry. Harry should’ve married a muggle, a lovely, kind-hearted muggle who used her own humanity to make a difference in the world instead of magic. A muggle would allow Harry to be a person instead of a messiah, something he’s never had but truly deserves. A muggle would help him build a normal, happy family, which Harry has craved since childhood. Also, Harry is an agent for social justice. He fights for equality and survival of all, not just witches and wizards. As one who was raised in an abusive home and knows what it’s like to be mistreated simply for existing, he has a keen sense of what all creatures—house elves, half bloods, gremlins, and even muggles—are due: The right to live their lives in happiness and peace without being lorded over by a dominant race or people. A muggle with that same mission would be the perfect match for our hero. A muggle whose selfless heart reminds him of Lily, or his conjured memory of her--red hair or not.

Um yeah, she'll do fine.
Okay, so that leaves Ginny without a match. You know what: Ginny has had no trouble finding wizarding tail throughout the series. She will be just fine if Harry doesn’t fulfill her childhood crush. How many of you married the guy or girl you were super into when you were ten years old? Are you all fine? That’s what I thought. I like Ginny, but I don’t necessarily need to know what happened to her after the series. I think The Chamber of Secrets wrote a check Ginny just couldn’t cash. Whatever Rowling’s intent, Ginny never really jumped ofF the page like other characters did. Luna, for example, was a minor but extremely well-written character. I’d like to know what Luna’s up to. She’s probably the wizarding version of a freegan, but I’d still like her anyway.

Any other Potterphiles out there? Want to play MASH Harry Potter-style in the comments. You know you do!


  1. This is brilliant!

    I've just started the seventh book (I know, I know--and next I'll try out the that new singer I've been hearing so much about: Georgian Chant), so Rowling's attempts at romantic pairings had already been on my mind.

    I'd never considered Hermione and Neville, but the more I think about it, the more I like it. And Harry with a Muggle? Yes!

    I'm not ultimately very invested in any Harry Potter ship, except maybe Luna+ (Luna + Harry, Luna + Neville, Luna + a nargle, etc.). Luna is the bacon of Harry Potter shipping.

    (I noticed how you managed to write this whole post without once giving in to the term "shipping." I'm bit a ashamed that I couldn't write this comment without resorting to Tumblr-speak.)

    1. I can't judge you too much for not having read the 7th book. I paid extra for pre-order + rush delivery and then kept in in my car's trunk for a year. It's just so sad when it's over.

      I would've appreciated this ending: all the survivors of the Battle of Hogwarts meeting for a drink at the Leaky Caldron for the five year anniversary. Harry, Hermione and Ron would probably still be too young to be married off, but maybe we could get a hint of what was to come relationship-wise. Or maybe Rowling could've ignored romantic relationships altogether, which would've been my preference.

      Side note: Here's why I don't use the term "shipper." It's because I used to be a massive fan of JAG and I thought that term was exclusive to the show because they were on Navy ships a lot.